I just found out today that I won the babycenter.com “Dad Blogger” contest. What does this mean? I get to write a dad-related blog each week which will be published on BabyCenter’s website. I am already thinking up some ideas. Until my first post, here is the content that earned me a victory.
PS: Big thanks to my friends and family. I know they came out in droves to vote and support me. I am very touched.
[Welcome to the Age of Worry]
I recall the moment my wife told me she was with child. She dimmed the lights throughout our home and placed candles on each step leading me to the bathroom and the positive test result.
We embraced each other for what seemed like hours and wept with joy knowing we had created life…
…I am totally lying! I don’t remember how or when my wife told me she was pregnant. Hell, I don’t remember getting her pregnant, but I do remember that the worry started when we found out she was pregnant.
Happy New Year friends! We are in the twilight of 2012, eagerly awaiting the dawn of 2013. This year has been great to me. My wife and I welcomed a son and he has been awesome. No, this blog won’t be all about the Benjamin(s), but his impact on my life will resonate throughout. I will warn you – this years post is less about reflection and more about looking forward, because the past is behind us and we have an obligation to make the right decisions for tomorrow.
I am going to omit the section of thanks all together this year. It is sort of self-indulgent and always seems to be taken the wrong way. To the friends and family I see, thank you for being a part of my life and I look forward to spending time with you in 2013.
So if I am not going to waste column space on thanks and inside jokes, what will I waste my space on? Life lessons of course!
[Do Something]
Seriously, get off of your ass and make something happen. Clean your shelves, vacuum the living room, finish that book, take that lesson, take your kid to the park. Do SOMETHING.
I have listened to too many complaints about “person x doesn’t do anything around the house” or “person y makes a mess and then never cleans up” or “I wish person z would spend more time with the kids”… so do it. No more excuses.
I work crazy amounts of hours at my job, but I am very involved with my son, I cook and clean like a champion, and I am involved in many outside activities and projects. I am not bragging because I don’t think this is unique or special. How do I do it? I determine what can and should be cut out and I make room for the stuff that is important and you are totally capable of doing the same. No more damn excuses…seriously. I am tired of hearing about it.
[Work on Yourself]
A few years ago I had an altercation with someone I knew and the situation quickly escalated out of control. I realized that I am perfectly okay telling people to f**k off and be done with them. In some circles this works but in others you just can’t do it. So I work at that aspect of my personality. Some days are hard and other days I find success. The point is – I have been successful and have been able to change my approach. A nice bonus is that the universe usually repays me for my temperance (not all the time).
If you know there is something you need to improve, identify it, and really think about how that flaw creeps into every aspect of your life, your relationships, your work, etc. Figure out small ways to change it until it becomes a different pattern for you. This is not easy, but I really think it is worth the effort.
[Take Ownership of your Future]
I work at tomorrow. I constantly look at where my family and I are headed and make course corrections. I always evaluate if the goal that was so important three years ago is still valid today.
Everything in your life requires maintenance: your home, your car, your body, your relationships with other people. It is easy to take those last one for granted. Tending to relationships is a tricky balance, you can’t expect too much from someone because the relationship will fail, but having no expectations will doom said relationship to casual acquaintance territory.
Also – burn facebook to the ground. If you are managing your relationships via Zuckerburg’s empire you fail. I am not saying you have to call, but write an email. Do better than a “like”. Also if you are getting mad because you are not satisfied with the level of interaction you are getting with your friends on social media, seek professional help.
[Conclusion]
Society is at an interesting paradox right now. The technology I am using right now to broadcast this message can be used to menace and terrify people to the point that they never want to turn on a computer again. Plug into any news source and it will probably be served with a health dose of fear: fiscal cliffs, the fall of the American empire, children being attacked at school, arming puppy dogs with machine guns…
The easy thing to do is to tune everything out.
But it doesn’t work, at least not for long. We are social creatures, and while the internet was not a part of our evolutionary design, it is now. Our society is changing how we behave, interact, and think. This is a technology that should unite, not divide. It should be used to streamline services, reduce costs (especially in education), and inform the masses (without spin). There are factions that want people to remain ignorant and fearful because we are easier to control and manipulate when we are stupid and scared.
Fight back. Get involved. Get informed. Participate in creating the future or get the hell out of the way. In 2013, overcome your fears and make your world better.
The first amendment provides all Americans with the right to free speech. Bravo America! You know what, I am not going to belabor this intro: just because you have the right to free speech does not mean a person should use it whenever-the-heck they want.
Allow me to start with a personal example. I am involved with my community on a variety of levels, but one of the things I am most proud of is setting up a private social network for residents of my neighborhood. Shortly after its inception, a resident started (passive-aggressively) blasting the appearance of people’s homes. Since I was the moderator, I muted the post and sent the person a note on how they could make their points more constructively.
The person went completely nuts on me and then quit the site.
Problem solved! Not so much. The resident later appeared on the community facebook site and started to troll a post about a completely different subject. I tried to remain calm and fair until insane insults started to be hurled my way and the resident thumping their chest about free speech… on a private social network with clearly defined rules of usage.
This got me thinking about the right to free speech:
1. We tend to think we have free speech in every possible situation (including international travel).
2. In domestic situations – and I want to make this point extremely clear – EVEN IF YOU HAVE RIGHTS TO FREE SPEECH DOES NOT MEAN A PERSON SHOULD ALWAYS LEVERAGE THAT RIGHT.
On point number one, just think about any “American travels to foreign country and gets in trouble” story – or you can just watch “The Beach”. When you are a guest, be it in a foreign country, a private electronic forum, or on someone’s property – you can be asked to leave, and if you don’t, your rights start to become less “firm”.
Regarding point number two, just because you can say or do something, doesn’t mean you should, case in point:
If you haven’t seen the news in the last 2 months, the owner is anti-gay rights. After the first tide of backlash, support came from conservative politicians like Mike Huckabee; basically saying (Chic-fila owner) Dan Cathy has the right to his opinions. And Mike Huckabee is right, but taking politics and religious feelings aside, it is just bad business.
Why does Dan Cathy have to let his personal feelings about any subject be publically known? It doesn’t help his business. Prior to this situation, the company had a good reputation for service and making food that people liked. Why ruin a good thing by running your mouth about something that does not concern your business? If Dan Cathy had donated money to anti-vegetarian, anti-vegan, or anti-beef groups, I would totally understand that (not saying I would agree with it, but I get it). To donate $2 million of money earned from a business that most likely caters and employes homosexuals is insane. Why alienate a customer base? Why go after people who are not hurting you or your business?
So the press caught wind, lots of people got upset and now there is a backlash against the company… free speech goes both ways.
Over the last few days another interesting situation is emerging with U.S. Representative for Missouri’s 2nd congressional district, Todd Akin. The growing trend of politicians saying really uncomfortable/crazy things and not be called out on it has befuddled me. Then comes Mr. Akin’s declaration that women’s bodies “just take care of unwanted rape babies” so there is no need for legalized abortions.
Not only did the Democrats (obviously) condemn his statements, the Republicans are abandoning this guy in every possible way: taking away funding for ads and publicly disagreeing with his statements. They can’t tell him to step down from the upcoming Missouri re-election, but they are basically telling him he should. Why? Because he made himself look like a super-moron. FYI – this is a man who is on the “house committee on science”.
I can make an argument that 65-year-old men shouldn’t tell women what to do with their bodies, but a more agreeable point is “when quoting fairly easy to check information, you better be 100% right when you are on national television.”
Wrapping this up, I have discussed the topic of opinionated sandwich shops before and the message remains: just make the damn sandwich and be thankful for the business (and yes that is a metaphor). Looking at my headline picture, it makes me sad that the rights people fought hard for (and died for) have been co-opted by the small-minded to advance an agenda of ignorance. I hope we are moving back to a culture where there are consequences for promoting false information and bad ideas.
Today is Father’s Day. It is the first one that I am celebrating as a father (and not just as a son). My son just passed the three month mark this week, so I thought it was just general good timing to sit down and collect my thoughts again about this whole parenting experience.
If you asked me to boil down the last three months, it has been an emotionally rewarding ride. But I am not saying that everything has been sweetness, new life means growing pains: for my son and for my wife and I. One of the skills we have had to develop is to have confidence in ourselves and put aside the advice of others.
I know that comes off as arrogant, but when it comes to children, everybody has an opinion. EVERYBODY. A couple of months ago, our doctor group (I say group, because our son has pretty much been seen a different doctor every time he goes in for a checkup) was concerned about weight, which in talking to many parents is fairly common. The doctors wanted to get the boy on formula. Of course I immediately ran out to buy some, but my wife wanted to explore other options. We read up on it and discussed the issue with certain friends and family (note that we reached out versus having advice shoved down our throats), the universal response was find a lactation consultant. We did. She resolved the issue in 5 minutes. Let me stop now and say that I don’t think there is anything wrong with formula, but I do believe that breastfeeding yields additional benefits.
I have a friend who is a nurse and he told me that most medical professionals only get a few paragraphs of training/information on breastfeeding when they are in school. This sent me into a rage because if they had more training (or had a lactation consultant on site), we would have resolved my son’s issues a few weeks earlier (and with less judgement). Since meeting with the consultant, our son has been consistently gaining the weight he needs (and the last few check-ups he exceeded the doctor’s expectations), but that didn’t stop me from asking the newest doctor why the practice was anti-breastfeeding.
She didn’t deny it. She basically said that breastfeeding is hard and when there is an issue they tell most mothers to switch to formula. That blew my mind. The takeaway lesson from this is: do your research, get several independent points of information, and obviously look at the child to see if they are: cranky, have bad skin, or have irregular bowel movements (especially urinating) to determine if you have a larger issue. Telling a doctor off is not high on my things-to-do list, but this lady needed a reality check and I hit her with hard facts, metrics (which we tracked religiously for weeks), and pointed out several flaws with their own process (complete lack of consistency). She just stammered and backed off.
That was a solid “Dad-moment” for me because my wife and I did what we believed was right and got the positive results we hoped for. We stood up against the experts because their advice was generic and the easiest possible answer to give. They used scare tactics to bully us into using their sole suggestion instead of discussing options and alternatives (or even attempting to determine what the issue was in the first place). I am not mad at the doctors because the process of finding an alternative made me more informed and thus a better parent, which has been my objective every damn second this kid has been breathing air.
On a related note, I recently read an article on CNN, that calls out the stereotype of the “idiot father”. Apparently Huggies aired a commercial that made it seem like fathers were morons and a few male bloggers took offense to it. While I think the bloggers overreacted to the commercial, I do want to comment on the changing times.
I change diapers, watch my son so my wife can go out and feel like a real human being, wash him (we still need to tag team on that – he is a slippery little bastard). I also do most of the cooking, clean the house, do the food shopping, and of course, go to work. I am not complaining; I want my son look at me and not see a stranger. I want to set a good example for him and not make him think it is okay to sit on his ass while somebody is doing work around him (and I want a little helper in the kitchen). I think there are plenty of guys out there doing the same.
I have a set of values that are not the same as my parent’s, my family, or my friends (fortunately, my wife and I are on the same page). Those values have been hard earned through my mistakes and successes. I will pass these values on to my son (and any other children I have). He can choose to reject them if they don’t work for him, but I will at least give him a framework so he can work this stuff out for himself and learn to be his own person – which should be the goal of any good father.
To all the Dads out there doing the best they can, Happy Father’s Day.
