Category: Thoughts

Experiments, Random Ideas, and posts that don’t fit other categories.

Posted on

Fatherhood: Month One

( #fatherhood #babylombardi )


Note: NSFW! This video has very harsh language, so don’t blast it in the office.

My wife and I had a baby last month. This is our first. I set up a little blog for friends and family so I can flood their twitter and facebook feeds with pictures and videos, but I haven’t really written about it. So here are my observations on fatherhood for the first 30 days.

Before we get to the baby, let me talk about the birth. Gentlemen, make sure you bring entertainment for you and your lady. You will be sitting in a room for several hours (a dozen for me) with nothing going on. When the pushing starts things certainly do get interesting, but until then, you just sit around not doing a damn thing to help (nobody tells you that). As a point of contrast, my father disappeared for the entire birth process for me and my sister, returning with a bag of sandwiches… for the doctor. I have to admit there was a certain genius in this move having been through the experience myself.

Once the baby is born, from their perspective, dear-old-dad is still useless. My wife is breast-feeding, so when my son looks at me with this “where the hell is my lunch” look, I just have to pass him back to his mother. Yes I change diapers and hold him as much as possible, but he likes to be close to his food source (and I don’t blame him). So what is my advice to other fathers for a harmonious house? Step up on cleaning and cooking. If you can’t cook, here are some easy recipes. If you can’t clean…yes you can. Buy a damn mop and get to work clown.

All things considered, my wife and I are very lucky. Our son sleeps well. Before he was born, I had several dudes gleefully telling me to get used to being tired. While I expect a full scale disaster once he starts teething, right now he only gets up once during the night because my wife figured out a feeding schedule that knocks him out food coma style. So far, being on pager was WAY worse than having a newborn.

When he is awake and not irate about a soiled diaper, I play music for him. He likes it. If he is in a mood, he usually snaps right out of it to listen. I try to play as much variety as possible (stuff that I don’t even like). Anything that sounds complicated. He hates being in a swing, but likes to be held up over my head. He also hates being naked… go figure.

A few months ago, one of my best friends asked “you aren’t going to be one of those people who post pictures all day on facebook are you?” I responded with a strong “hell no”. I have not kept that promise on my personal accounts, but I don’t plan on making my kid the subject to daily blogging on this site. While he won’t be a daily fixture, I will discuss fatherhood, the changes in my life, and the things I have learned because that is why I have this blog in the first place.

In conclusion… Fatherhood: So far, so good.

Posted on

April Fools Day

( @drinkingmadeeasy, #aprilfools )

Yesterday my editor at Drinking Made Easy asked me to publish a fake news report about Drinking Made Easy co-host Steve McKenna. The joke was he quit the show and also drinking. I loved the whole idea (I am a big fan of Google’s AFD jokes) and jumped at a chance to lend credibility to the joke.

Then a funny thing happened… DME Host Zane Lamprey re-tweeted my post and the link blew up. This site got 12,000+ hits in less than 6 hours.

So this is probably going to be the most popular post on this blog…ever… and I didn’t even write it. I am totally not bitter about this fact, because there was a massive amount of run-off traffic to my other posts that I am really grateful for.

So what is the point of this post? If you found my blog yesterday, sorry for tricking you, but I hope you enjoyed the depths the DME Team went to pull it off. I also hope you continue to read this blog and follow my adventures on Drinking Made Easy.

Thanks again for re-affirming day.

RSS Feed | Follow me on twitter

Posted on

DME: McKenna Quits Drinking and the Show

( @zanelamprey, #SteveMcKenna )

UPDATE: If you didn’t figure it out, this post was an April Fool’s Joke set up by the Drinking Made Easy Editors. For those that didn’t realize this was a joke and posted heart-felt messages to Mr. McKenna… sorry?

I just caught wind of a coup. It’s nothing that will make the headlines, except for the occasional drinking or beard-celebrating blogs. But Steve McKenna, co-host (stunt-drinker, mascot, drinking buddy) of “Drinking Made Easy” on HDNet, formerly of “Three Sheets” on Spike, will be hanging up his mug. Permanently.

Late Friday afternoon, I had a scheduled phone interview with McKenna, to discuss the upcoming one hour special of “Drinking Made Easy”, where Zane, Steve and their monkey mascot , Pleepleus, will be debunking some alcohol myths, and according to McKenna “Getting a little more crazy that usual… And we usually get crazy.”

But McKenna, not in the jovial mood that I expected, told me that the season that’s being capped off by the one hour special (which airs at 8pm on April 11th on HDNet) will be his last. That seemed odd, since Lamprey recently announced that he’d signed up for a third season of the show which will begin shooting 13 new episodes in May.

McKenna told me that he was informing Zane Lamprey’s production company, Inzane Entertainment, and Mark Cuban’s television network, HDNet, that he will not be joining them for season three of “Drinking Made Easy” which will air on the networks new designation, AXS (pronounced ‘access’), this fall. With the success of the show, we have every reason to believe that they show will go on without him. But, we have no doubt that it will affect the format of the show, and leave some repeat viewers disappointed. McKenna has become a fan favorite and a vital part of the weekly 6-Pack Challenge, where McKenna and Lamprey compete against each other in increasingly impressive activities.

So the question is “Why?”. Why, when the network is about to double it’s number of households, would Steve McKenna jump ship and be going Three Sheets to the wind no longer? “It’s actually a lot of work,” McKenna told me on a phone call from his home in Richmond, Virginia, earlier today. “We’re traveling for more than half the year. I’ve sort of been the bar-matt for the show, drinking anything that Zane didn’t. I had fun… Too much fun sometimes. It’s just time for me to go down a different path.”

Has he truly had a higher calling? McKenna explained it to me; “We stopped filming last December. Since then, I’ve had a chance to reevaluate my life, and my direction. I want to be healthy. Right now I’m training for the NYC marathon. I’ve been speaking with the admissions department of NYU to finish up my Masters. I’m getting my masters in Theatre. That was the path that I was on before I started joining Zane in his projects.”

Is there something more? Is he tired of playing second fiddle to Lamprey? I asked him. “Well that’s part of it for sure,” McKenna told me. “I got my undergraduate degree in Shakespeare. When Zane and I met, I was the lead in most of the plays. Then, our senior year, he shows up out of no where. I’d never heard of him. And he took the lead in the main stage performances that the school did that year. I got a supporting role. I guess it’s been like that ever since…”

McKenna told me that this is something that he’s been planning for a while. He was more coherent and articulate than the character that he’s been portraying for the last 50 episodes of “Drinking Made Easy”. As much as I’d like to be impressed, I was a little disappointed. As a writer, I know how difficult it is to catch a break, a plight that I know we share with actors. So why would he squander such an opportunity that he could easily parlay into more substantial roles? As a fan, however, I am very disappointed. I have no doubt that Lamprey can carry the weight of the show on his own shoulders, as he did with “Three Sheets. But it won’t be the same without Steve McKenna.

I called the Inzane Entertainment offices in Los Angeles Friday afternoon to get their take on McKenna’s departure. Mel Schilling, the show’s producer told us that she was unaware of Steve’s recent decision. Lamprey was not available for comment.

Update: There is an active twitter thread happening right now. If you want to comment on this situation, use the twitter button below and use the hash tag #SteveMcKenna

Posted on

Wedding Guest Douchebag

I had a good weekend. My wife’s friends got married: the ceremony was beautiful, the reception was in an awesome place, and the couple’s unique spin on classic wedding traditions made the whole event really nice. This post is not about the wedding, but what happened after.

Like most weddings, there was a little gathering at the hotel bar. We went downstairs to have a drink with one of my wife’s college friends (we will call her Z-Go) and say hello to the bride when she made it down. We were seated at the bar when one of the other guests goes up to the bartender, who was clearly Hispanic, and says the following:

Douche: Hola Amigo, Musica?
Bartender: (Looks confused and somewhat annoyed)
Douche: Amigo… Musica!?
Bartender: You want me to play music? (Bartender walks over to turn on the music)
Douche: Si, musica!
Douche: Gracias!

The bartender looks at me and rolls his eyes, I immediately say “I am not with that guy” and he laughs.

He did.

I had to ask the obvious question: “Maybe he was Hispanic too?” It was later confirmed by the bride that he was not Hispanic and had a history of “going Spanish” while drunk.

A bit later, we decided to go to bed and we went to say goodbye to the bride who was talking to a group of friends. The Douche was in the group. He began to touch Z-Go’s necklace and said “those are pretty beads”, she gives him a dirty look and walks away. As we get into the elevator Z-Go proceeds to let loose a series of profanities capped off with “If it wasn’t a wedding, I would have punched that guy in the face.” If only she did.

Don’t touch someone’s accessories without accepting the fact that you may get punched in the face. Actually touch away, you deserve to get knocked out by a 95 lb girl.

Posted on

Seasons Greetings Joey Style (2011)

Happy New Year friends! 2011 is slipping through our fingers and I find myself trying to conjure words to summarize what that means to me. I am going to be honest with you, I am struggling with this year’s love note. Not due to any dark feelings, in fact, just the opposite. I have been feeling pretty calm this past week, which is good for the blood pressure, but bad for writing clever things.

[Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes]

Even though times are tough and there is a bit of uncertainty regarding the future, it seems like my friends and family made it out of 2011 in one piece. It is easy to turn sour watching your 401k shrink, the value of your house decline, and services you depend on disappear. But all things considered, the Philadelphia area is breeding grounds for plucky people that take all this shit in stride and figure out how to get through it.

It is hard to focus on the negatives when I look around and see all these kids that I mention every year growing up strong and smart. The world is hard, but I am glad to see my people have their priorities straight. As far as my priorities go, I will be in good company with a baby on the way. I am not going to turn this post into “my child is going to change my life…bla bla bla” because anybody with a kid knows that as fact (a fact I have been told a million times along with “get your sleep now.”).

Jangled nerves and worry have subsided and I am looking forward to becoming a parent. Fundamentally, I really hope I don’t suck as a dad (that is not me fishing for kind words btw, just consider that line a karmic message in a bottle). It is a funny thing writing about the baby because I haven’t done it much and thanks to the holidays I am burned out on active baby conversation. I do want to mention that I feel bad about the news getting out late to certain friends. I guess people really do use social media to keep in touch (oops)…

All that being said, the quiet has been a blessing. Babies tend to bring out lots of opinions, all those voices talking at the same time can be overpowering. That brings me into a nice transition…

[Thank You]

If you have been reading these little year ends, you know that I view this section as a loaded gun… time to point and shoot. Here is hoping I don’t get a bullet in the foot:

Thanks to my wife. Outside of making this whole baby thing happen, she gets me. My odd sense of humor, my “in your face” method of dealing with…everything, my musical taste (very important in this house). Compatibility makes life so much better.

Speaking of the babies, when we told our parents, we asked them to keep it quiet for a few weeks until we got solid news from the doctors. My father-in-law was so excited, he had to tell someone… so he told his barber. That little story sort of made it all real to me. Also thank you Mr. D for making me look like I know how to pick out a bottle of wine.

I really don’t know how else to say this… I want to thank my mom for not being up our asses. My mom is at the ready to help Allison and I at a moments notice. But she never second guesses our decisions about anything. She offers her personal perspective or experience and leaves it at that. There is grace in accepting (and enjoying) your children as adults. I can thank her for a million things that she does for us, but this is the thing I appreciate the most.

I need to thank Verizon. They have made it possible for my father and I to communicate at a frequency that I did not think possible two years ago. Here is the best part… I am the bastard. If I haven’t seen or talked to my dad during the week, I get the call. “Sonny Boy, where have you been!?!” For a man that is fairly indifferent to just about everything, it is good to know that he cares.

Thank you to Tony Bombardi, the master detective – I love you, your family and your mini adventures that often lead right back to the starting point. Whenever I do freak out about this kid, I think “what would Tony do” and then you usually end up calling me anyway.

So I just went back and carved out a huge section thanking friends. This is what I am going to say instead: to the people that I talk to regularly – the people who call me to talk about music, house stuff, gear, zombies – you know who you are. I love you guys (and gals). If it were not for you, I would probably lock myself in my house and take all the phones off the hook (fine – take the batteries out of my cell phone – damn you nerds!). There are dozens of people I should mention, but nobody wants to read two pages of thanks (and then probably, rightfully, wondering why you are not on the list).

[Looking Forward]

There are times in my life, and if you know me I am sure you have been caught in this, when I want to hold everyone I know close to me. Then once that exercise becomes (inevitably) futile, I will retreat, ignoring everyone, and rethink my position. I have been in retreat mode the last few months. I have been thinking about what is right for me and my growing family. And right now I think change is good.

Instead of some grand statement of how to make yourself better in 2012, or jumping on some soapbox about the state of the world, I hope you – my friends, family, and readers – find happiness or something that smells like it.

May 2012 become whatever you want it to be.