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The Night We Got Beat Up

NOTE: The names, dates, and places have all been changed to protect the parties involved.

Weddings are supposed to be days of happiness and unity, sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. A few years ago my buddy “Clowncar” took the plunge and exchanged vows. The ceremony and reception were great. Clowncar invited our group to attend (sans my future wife as we had only been dating a few months, so invitations and seating were already locked – this is an important because…). Since I was going stag and three of the other guys were single at the time, we agreed to go together. Let’s call the three guys Grapeape, Shame, and Shirts. Like any wedding with an open bar, we got drunk. Then we went to a bar at the hotel and drank some more. During the wedding, Shame was on the prowl looking for some wedding sex which he achieved in a classic story that is not mine to tell publicly. I will share my friend’s wife kept saying “he’s not going to have sex with that girl is he? She’s so nasty!” My reply was “what do you think her family is saying about him.” Because of that sexual conquest, Shame recommended we leave so he could avoid awkward cuddling or conversation post coitus. Off we went. I should note that I had stopped drinking during the wedding because I had to drive.

We ended up going to a semi-popular bar/restaurant in South Jersey that happened to be open late for some god awful reason. This is one of those places that is really a restaurant but decides to call itself into a club after 11:00 PM for the asshole patrons that think they are doing something with their night. We walk in as a fight is being broken up. Bad Omen. Shame’s intent was to get laid again and was in full capture mode. When Shame reaches such levels of self-interest I tend to take a few paces back, way too much for me to handle drunk let alone sober. As I watched my friends get progressively drunker another fight is broken up and the participants are ejected from the building… that makes two. I strike up a conversation with the bouncers, and say something to the effect of “for such a tame bar, there seems to be a lot of fights tonight.” The bouncer agrees saying he doesn’t know what is going on. Unfortunately, it would soon be our turn.

What happens next will first be told from my perspective sitting on the bench in front of the bar next to the bouncer and then I will tell the story from other accounts of what happened:

From my view:

I noticed Shame, Grapeape, and Shirts at the main bar talking to two girls, one attractive and one that wasn’t (of course she was throwing herself at Shame – like a lamb to the slaughter). I continue my conversation with the bouncer when I hear “Fuck you ” I look up and notice Shirts start to get up and look very angry. Shirts is of a non-Caucasian ethnicity (I won’t say what) and this was a very inappropriate thing to say (it was not the N-word). Shirts goes off on this guy, telling him he is going to do terrible things…bla bla bla. The bouncers rush over and the guy and Shirts are getting tossed out. I grab Shirts and try to calm things down, he agrees to go outside to cool off. Grapeape and Shame stay in the bar with the girls.

Second Hand Account:

Shame, Grapeape, and Shirts were talking to the two girls (Shame was trying to lock down both) when a few guys came over and tried to talk to the girls. Shame immediately got pissed at this act and told the two guys to fuck off. Things escalated from there until they called Shirts the racial slur. I should have guessed Shame was at the center of it…

Once I got outside, Shirts was calming down when we noticed several guys were coming to my car from other parts of the parking lot. I quickly (and correctly) guessed that all of fights were connected and all of these assholes were together. There were initially ten guys trying to start something with Shirts outside. You know that part in Thriller when MJ and the girl are surrounded by the zombies and the camera goes around in the circle, and then comes back on MJ and he is a zombie? That’s what happened to us except Shirts didn’t turn into a zombie (or in this case a greasy European looking guy) and nobody was breaking out into spontaneous street dancing. Being the only sober one in the general area, I start talking common sense: everybody is drunk, it’s not going to end well, their group is going to get into way more trouble since we were basically being jumped; they started to back off. Then Grapeape comes out.

[HULKING UP]

He burst out of the bar doors like Hulk Hogan and in my retro-memory he is waving his finger and “Hulking Up”. He immediately gets in this giant greasy kid’s face as more of their friends follow out of the bar. There is now close to twenty guys surrounding the three of us. Angry words are being exchanged and I look over at the bar for the bouncers and I see Shame talking with them. Shame comes over. One of the smaller guys manages to dart behind Grapeape and the big greasy kid pushed him down. The thugs swarms around Grapeape. He never even had a chance. It seems to me that Shame was their original target and he was quickly taken down once Grapeape was neutralized. Shame’s survival instinct is strong as he rolled into a ball and protected his pretty face. Eventually they grew tired of him and moved to join the gangbang on Grapeape.


(Example of what the offenders looked like)

Shirts and I were still on our feet. There were three guys on Shirts and he somehow made them move away from Grapeape and Shame and took them on himself in another portion of the parking lot. There was one guy left and he was gunning for me. I am completely sober and have the benefit of adrenaline clarity. This guy is staggering before he even throws one punch. I keep telling him he doesn’t want to throw that punch but I am thinking I don’t want to throw a punch. Being sober in a fight as one huge disadvantage: logic. I am thinking if I hit this guy and he gets hurt, am I going to get sued? Jail? As I am deep in thought, he punches me. This kid has no heat and his fist literally bounces off my head. I say fuck it, self-defense time. One open palm to the face and he is down and bleeding. I look back at Grapeape and the swarm around him is huge and kicking. I scream at the bouncers to call the cops and probably an ambulance. I then jump on Grapeape and try to absorb some of the kicks to his head. I noticed Shame pretending to be passed out by a car.

The cops arrived quickly leading me to believe someone else called earlier. The twenty assholes actually ran away. RAN AWAY. The cops quickly caught up with them. As the ambulance arrived, their attention was first focused on Shame. Shame was fine and kept asking/proclaiming that “It’s got to be illegal to punch someone in the face, it has to be illegal.” The EMT kept telling him he was right, it was assault, but Shame kept saying it until the EMT told Shame to shut the fuck up. Eventually they focused on Grapeape – he was in bad shape. They cleaned him up, patched up the cuts, and made sure he didn’t have a concussion. As they checked my friend, I looked at the other part of the parking lot where the cops managed to wrangle up most of the thugs. They were allowed to leave on their own accord.

They left. The ambulance left. The cops left. We left.

I dropped off Shirts and Shame. Then I went to Grapeape’s place. I stayed with him to make sure he wasn’t exhibiting any signs of a concussion – he wasn’t. He kept telling me to leave and after an hour or so, I agreed to go (which I regretted then and to this day). I found out he went to the hospital the next day to get stitches and to be treated for a minor concussion – something good came out of that trip, but that’s not my business to say, but I think it worked out for him.

Shame and I went to the police station the following week as Shame was exploring any and all options to capitalize on his beating. Nothing came of it. No surprise.

I wish I could come up with some profound way to end this story. To my knowledge, none of us have been involved in a fight since. Grapeape deplores going out and being around people and likes to stay home with his girl, Shirts and I are married and living our lives, and Shame is… still Shame.

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Dreamscapes: My Dad & R.E.M.

After indulging in too much beer and Vietnamese food last night, I went to sleep. At some point in the night, dream sequences began to take over and while I forgot most of them, this one particular dream managed to stay with me…

The setting was formal, like it was a wedding or a charity event. People were walking around in tuxes and fancy dresses with wine glasses in hand (with those fancy little plate clips so they can snack too). My attention is focused on a group of four men: my father of course being one, Michael Stipe and Peter Buck from R.E.M and I think my dad’s friend Lee.

They are sitting in four red chairs, two on each side with a round table between them. My father and his friend are eating. Peter Buck seems very interested in talking to my father and is going on about a local Athens, Georgia act that he is currently producing (if my mind came up with a name, I don’t remember it). My father, as in real life, has no fucking clue who these people are and no idea what they are saying… but, he is being polite. As he shoves veal medallions into his mouth and nodding in his head in some semblance of agreement, I can see my father trying to figure out how to get the hell away from Michael Stipe and Peter Buck. His friend Lee just gets up and bolts as Peter is talking about the acoustics of an old church (something I would have loved to talk about). As my father is about to make his break…

… my wife wakes me up.

This dream is odd to me because I wouldn’t consider myself a crazed R.E.M. fan and haven’t listened to any of their stuff in months. I didn’t hear any R.E.M. songs yesterday, and I sure as shit wasn’t thinking about Peter Buck. The mind is a strange and beautiful thing.

Here is a little R.E.M. for those who, like my father, don’t know who the hell they are (be ashamed if you don’t)

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Joey vs. Ticketmaster: Part Two

Howdy true be-loggers! This is the 2nd part of my issues with Ticketmaster. Long story short, nothing happened. But I will get my feelings off my chest. If you didn’t read part one, you can do so here.

So lets see what Ticketmaster’s latest response was:

[My Thoughts]

Ticketmaster is a company that has a reputation of fucking over their customers. Even on this small scale, they have proved this reputation is valid. I didn’t ask for money, I asked for them to look at their customer experience and leverage their relationship with the vendors they support to improve quality. They washed their hands.

They make mention that as a company the satisfaction of their customers is of their utmost concern, yet they did nothing to help me achieve satisfaction in this matter. They brushed it off because they can and they will get away with it.

I am not going to stop going to concerts which means I am going to have to use these assholes, paying their outrageous service fees and there is not a damn thing I can do about it (looks like they are going to merge with Live Nation, so there is no alternative).

One more failure for the little guy.

I am going to write a letter to the Trocadero box office manager; I am sure I will get the blow off too. I will share that failure with you because, it’s amusing.

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Joey vs. Ticketmaster: Part One

A few weeks ago, I attended a concert at the Trocadero in Philadelphia (reviewed here). I decided that since I had such a shitty experience, I would write Ticketmaster, just to see what would happen. Here is the summary so far:

[My First Letter]

June 02, 2009

Ticketmaster
attn. Customer Care
1000 Corporate Landing
Charleston, WV 25311

To: Ticketmaster Customer Care

On Saturday, May 30th I attended the Avett Brothers Concert at the Trocadero Theatre in Philadelphia, Pa. I purchased tickets via Ticketmaster. Regretfully, I would like to inform you that the quality of the venue seriously detracted from our enjoyment of the show forcing us to leave early.

My issues are as follows:
* The show was oversold: 90% of the capacity was standing room only, but the bar section contains seating in a balcony. Behind this balcony there is an area to sell alcohol and behind that, a full bar. Both of the aforementioned sections offer no view of the stage at all. It is my belief that tickets were sold with that space counted as stage capacity.
* Since there was no space in the upper section, as the main act – The Avett Brothers – starting playing, hordes of people came down from the upper area blocking views and forcing us to move to the side.
* The acoustics in the building focus the sound down the middle center, making the sound in the area we were forced into muddled and dampened.

We could not see, would couldn’t hear the band well, and it was incredibly cramped. We left.

I have been going to concerts for years and while I have been to some I did not enjoy for lighter variations of what I mentioned before, it has never been as bad as it was Saturday evening at the Trocadero, and I never felt the need to write a letter before. Is there anything you can do to correct this? I would appreciate a response via mail or by phone at the number listed above. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Joey Lombardi

[Ticketmaster’s Response]

[My Second Letter]

NOTE: At this point I said to myself “fuck it – I have nothing to lose, I might as well have some fun”. You may be wondering why I removed the customer care associate’s name – it’s because I am sure this is a low level person and I don’t want this to come back on them, working for ticketmaster must suck enough already.

Ticketmaster
attn. [Name Omitted] | Customer Care
1000 Corporate Landing
Charleston, WV 25311

To: [Name Omitted] & Ticketmaster Customer Care

I want to thank you for your response to my letter regarding my bad experience with the Trocadero Theatre and the Avett Brothers Concert held there on May 30th 2009. I understand that Ticketmaster acts as a middle man selling tickets for the venue, but I would have hoped the corporation would hold the venue/themselves to some level of quality standards. Scenarios like the one I experienced on May 30th greatly discourage me from wanting to spend my entertainment dollars on concerts.

As a consumer, I feel there should be a channel/accountable party when the event is sub-standard. I honestly never complain, never write letters regarding bad experiences at concerts (and there have been many). The Trocadero took it too far and to have my initial complaint arbitrarily dismissed because they successfully completed a ticket sales transaction and managed to get the band on the stage doesn’t preclude them or you as a service provider from trying to make amends & improvements.

I would like contact information to the Trocadero office. I could not find an address to send a letter to get them involved in this issue. This isn’t about money, its about acknowledgment that these events can be improved and as the ticket service provider your company has the ability to influence the venues instead of throwing customers to the wolves and taking every available penny on the table.

I want to go to concerts. I want to enjoy them. You should want me to go to concerts and pay your ridiculous transaction fees (I know – cheap shot, but I had to do it). Let’s help each other out.

Sincerely,
Joey Lombardi

I honestly don’t know how far I am going to take this; I don’t expect a refund – it would be nice, I don’t need it. Writing letters the old fashioned way and taking shots at a business that I loathe is far more entertaining. I hope they come back to me with the Troc’s business address, I do plan on sending some letters there (if any of my readers know a contact, send it my way blog at joeylombardi.com).

I will post the rest as it comes.

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Astounding

A few months ago I installed Google Analytics on all of my websites. I have been enjoying reviewing the trends of my site usage and trying to improve and grow my website empire. Last week I noticed that Analytics offers a map feature telling me where my content are being read and my mind is blown.

I assumed that most people reading were in the New Jersey/Philadelphia area with a sprinkle of New York and California because of friends and family, which is true; but I am surprised to see hits in states that I don’t know anybody AND I am seeing views in countries like Australia, England, Germany, Canada (CSA all the way!), Italy, France – you get the idea.

I certainly hope I am not propagating the “stupid American” stereotype with my refusal to run spell check, persistent grammatical mistakes, and of course the fact that I can be a raging asshole. Thanks for reading World, you made my day, even if you do think I am a moron.

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Concert Etiquette

As a follow-up to my review of the Avett Brothers concert, I started to compile a list of reasonable expectations while attending a concert. Here is a list of commonly accepted rules of etiquette for a rock concert:

1. Put Down Your Cell Phones: Taking pictures or making a friend listen to a favorite song sounds like a cool idea, but you look like an asshole and nobody wants to see your phone wallpaper.
2. Don’t Invade People’s Space: If someone does, don’t let them ruin the show for you… unless it is a whole group of invading assholes and then ask nicely for them to tone it down.
3. People paid to hear the band, not you: Its okay to sing with the band when they are asking, but remember most people don’t want to hear your version of what is being played on stage.
4. Don’t make out: Nobody wants to see you express your love. Please stop it. Immediately.
5. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.: Stop talking. Nobody cares what you have to say.

Common items from the references that I don’t agree or care about:

6. T-Shirts: Most of the writers seem to be hung up on wearing the band’s t-shirt. I don’t do it, but I don’t think it is a big deal either.
7. Tall People: Once again, I don’t have an issue with a tall person at shows as long as they don’t move around too much. People will move around them.

Some of this comes down to personal research on venues and the band’s audience. The wife and I decided to stop going to summer outdoor concerts because the teenager factor was just too high. We starting going to smaller shows but the economy being what it is, 21 and older shows are becoming a thing of the past (a band isn’t going to miss out on potential ticket sales). Most older people have the same idea and try to find refuge in the restricted bar areas, but alas, they are too small to fit everyone.

If you read this, just remember that people over-paid to see a show, and they don’t want to be distracted by ANYTHING. Our job as concert-goers is to blend into the background and not stand out. It’s all about the music. Try to have a good time and don’t bother anyone, and if you are being annoyed, don’t choke-slam anyone either.

References:
Concert Etiquette from Rock Music 101
Rolling Stone
Spinner.com’s Guide
One Man’s Experience
Choke Slamming Teens