Tag: Rant

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Would I let my daughter date Lloyd Dobler?

NOTE: Lloyd Dobler is a fictional character from the movie “Say Anything”. If you haven’t seen the movie, turn on the crappy free movie channels that your cable provider offers, I am sure it will be on. Go ahead, I will wait. If you can’t find it, here is a decent synopsis by the late great Gene Siskel

Since the holiday season, I have noticed the 1989 teen romance flick “Say Anything” has been broadcast in constant rotation. Sometimes I watch it, other times I pass, but over my lifetime, I must have watched this film at least 40 times. I first came across Say Anything before my teenage years, wasting my summer away watching early morning USA network block of youth-focused movies (No Class Movie Daze). I returned to the film the year I graduated high school, coming away with a much better understanding of the characters and developed a long-held appreciation for the character of Lloyd Dobler.

Turning 30, my focus is far away from teenage movies and my mind often drifts to the probability/possibility of having children (in which I am convinced I will have daughters). What kind of father will I be to my future-made-up daughters? How will I react when they eventually bring boys home? Will I play it cool like my father-in-law? Will I be terrifying like my own father (I didn’t feel much sympathy for my brother-in-law in those days, but he had it on that fateful evening)? Will I be a dismissive asshole like the character John Mahoney played in Say Anything?

As I watch the film as an adult, the charm of the John Cusack’s Lloyd Dobler isn’t as universal as it once was (and Diane Court has gone from being slightly annoying to intolerable). Dobler’s whole rant about “not knowing what he wants to do, but knows what he doesn’t want to do” was mind blowing for my 17-year-old self, but now it seems aimless and self-indulgent. I once considered Lloyd’s struggle to find a “dare to be great situation” awesome, and now I understand that I have to attempt to make every moment great. I often wonder how a 45-48 year old me would react to a kid wearing a trench coat telling me he doesn’t want “buy anything, sell anything, process anything sold…” fuck it just check out the clip:

So here we have this dreamer, this “champion of mediocrity” as Mahoney puts it, attempting to date my daughter. Would I be relieved that he was able to form complete sentences (something his peers would probably falter at)? Would I be impressed with his travels? Or would I focus in on the fact that he has no ambitions besides kicking a punching bag and having a creepy stalker-style situation happening with my daughter. How pissed off would I be when this kid pulls up behind my house and starts blasting a poor man’s version of Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” to get her attention?

It mildly depresses me that a character that I held in high regard at 17, I view as a bit of a fuck-up in the “twilight of my youth” (thank you Ryan Adams). While I find it disturbing that I can empathize with Mahoney’s Jim Court, I can’t help but think he had the right reaction to Lloyd: Dobler followed his daughter to London, and let’s face it, you know she isn’t going to get the full experience of her educational opportunity with Lloyd to come home to every night. He is going to ride her coat-tales until she figures out that too many punches to the head has caused minor brain damage, limiting Lloyd’s job choices. Diane will realize that she has wasted her youth on a functionally retarded adult and leave him sad and lonely (and in the rain). Maybe he will get lucky and some emo girl will find his plight endearing and let him cut the soup line.

God damn-it… I sold out.

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Office Etiquette: Appropriate Sneezing Responses

Office Etiquette: Appropriate Sneezing Responses

Yesterday I was in an all day meeting (which could/should/will be an article all to itself) and at some point during the session, someone sneezed and another person said “God Bless You”. The person didn’t just “GodBlessYou” in the mindless way everyone seems to; they made it a point to clearly and slowly say GOD…..BLESS….YOU. The three second act started to buzz around my head for a few minutes and I started to wonder if anyone was offended at the usage of the word God (Christian or Non-Christian)

If you are Christian, it seems kind of petty to invoke the name of the creator of all existence just because somebody had a very small biological reaction to dust in the air. I have heard that saying “Bless You” or “God Bless You” took hold during the dark ages because people thought a sneeze was your “soul attempting to escape your body”. After some research that lore seems to be confirmed:

Several possible origins are commonly given. The practice of blessing a sneeze, dating as far back as at least 77 AD, however, is far older than most specific explanations can account for.

A legend holds that it was believed that the the heart stops beating and the phrase “bless you” is meant to ensure the return of life or to encourage your heart to continue beating.

One explanation holds that the custom originally began as an actual blessing. Gregory I became Pope in 590 as an outbreak of the bubonic plague was reaching Rome. In hopes of fighting off the disease, he ordered unending prayer and parades of chanters through the streets. At the time, sneezing was thought to be an early symptom of the plague. The blessing (“God bless you!”) became a common effort to halt the disease.

A variant of the Pope Gregory I story places it with Pope Gregory VII, then tells the common story of “Ring Around the Rosey” being connected to the same plague

Another version says that people used to believe that your soul can be thrown from your body when you sneeze, that sneezing otherwise opened your body to invasion by the Devil or evil spirits, or that sneezing was your body’s effort to force out an invading evil spirit. Thus, “bless you” or “God bless you” is used as a sort of shield against evil.

Alternatively, it may be possible that the phrase began simply as a response for an event that was not well understood at the time.

Another belief is that people used to see sneezing as a sign that God would answer your prayers or an omen of good fortune or good luck.In this case, “Bless you” would be in recognition of that luck.

Tibetan Buddhists believe a sneeze (like meditation, falling asleep, preparing to die) can provide a moment of “clear consciousness,” when people are opened to greater understanding.

Credit: Wikipedia

PS: I had assume that “Gesundheit” meant the same thing in German, but the word has origins in both the German and Jewish cultures and has a minor but interesting variation. It is assumed that “Gesundheit” isn’t blessing the other person, in rough translation in means “good health to me”.

While the history of the term is certainly interesting, I wonder if phrases like that have a place at international corporations. The combination of cultural diversity and a bored HR departments could be a dangerous mix. My intent is to avoid sounding like “no more Xmas Parties in the office because it offends the non-Christians” people because that is an exhausting position (I have a Christmas party every year with Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and non-believers in attendance). On this side note: I don’t view Xmas as religious in any way; I view Christmas as tourists view “The Running of the Bulls” in Spain. It is a cultural event that everyone can enjoy from the safety of balcony and should you find yourself on the ground and the path of a bull (or large angry house wife looking for that last toy on the list)… RUN.

For the most part, when someone sneezes, I am not thinking “I wonder what I should say”, I am usually thinking, “I hope that clown covered their face”. In a related event yesterday, there was a bull of a woman sitting behind me on the train ride home who was not only loudly conducting a conversation with two other people, she was sneezing and coughing all over the back of my head, I had to move. I did not say “GodBlessYou” or “Gesundheit” but I was giving her the death stare and maybe wishing her soul would fly away, infecting St. Peter at the gates of heaven. I also hope that he kicks her ass out. A man can dream…

UPDATE: This little article has become the all time most popular on the blog. If you have a second, can you tell me how and why you came across it – I just like to know where my readers are coming from.

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Concert Etiquette

As a follow-up to my review of the Avett Brothers concert, I started to compile a list of reasonable expectations while attending a concert. Here is a list of commonly accepted rules of etiquette for a rock concert:

1. Put Down Your Cell Phones: Taking pictures or making a friend listen to a favorite song sounds like a cool idea, but you look like an asshole and nobody wants to see your phone wallpaper.
2. Don’t Invade People’s Space: If someone does, don’t let them ruin the show for you… unless it is a whole group of invading assholes and then ask nicely for them to tone it down.
3. People paid to hear the band, not you: Its okay to sing with the band when they are asking, but remember most people don’t want to hear your version of what is being played on stage.
4. Don’t make out: Nobody wants to see you express your love. Please stop it. Immediately.
5. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.: Stop talking. Nobody cares what you have to say.

Common items from the references that I don’t agree or care about:

6. T-Shirts: Most of the writers seem to be hung up on wearing the band’s t-shirt. I don’t do it, but I don’t think it is a big deal either.
7. Tall People: Once again, I don’t have an issue with a tall person at shows as long as they don’t move around too much. People will move around them.

Some of this comes down to personal research on venues and the band’s audience. The wife and I decided to stop going to summer outdoor concerts because the teenager factor was just too high. We starting going to smaller shows but the economy being what it is, 21 and older shows are becoming a thing of the past (a band isn’t going to miss out on potential ticket sales). Most older people have the same idea and try to find refuge in the restricted bar areas, but alas, they are too small to fit everyone.

If you read this, just remember that people over-paid to see a show, and they don’t want to be distracted by ANYTHING. Our job as concert-goers is to blend into the background and not stand out. It’s all about the music. Try to have a good time and don’t bother anyone, and if you are being annoyed, don’t choke-slam anyone either.

References:
Concert Etiquette from Rock Music 101
Rolling Stone
Spinner.com’s Guide
One Man’s Experience
Choke Slamming Teens

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How to make new friends

Earlier in the week I created a blog entry detailing how to get rid of friends and flames; but in the ashes of destruction comes new life. In this blog entry lets discuss how to actually make new friends as an adult. A few years ago I read an article in a men’s magazine (I can’t find the damn thing!) stating that most adults in America stop making new friends once they hit 25 outside of major life changes like moving, kids, or a new job and even when they meet new people they don’t consider them at the same level of friendship compared people they met years ago and don’t talk to very much. I am pushing 30 and while I am blessed with many friends, I really can’t think of a new friend of I have made in the last four years barring my new neighbors and we really haven’t hit the going out phase (we are still in the “we should go out” phase). So how do you meet new people?

[Volunteer]

I think the best way to meet new people is to volunteer (for both friends and for dates). Think about it: These people are trying to make their town, city, or our world a better place, they have to be at least interesting enough to share a beer with. When I was single I use volunteered at the local animal shelter on weekends, homeless shelters, local educational events and I would say 70% of the time I would get a number. Besides the potential romantic possibilities, I met some cool people that were trying to make society a better place. This is a no brainer.

I would warn you that many volunteer organizations don’t let you start helping right away. You need to fill out applications and probably need to wait a few weeks. I noticed it was especially hard at the animal shelters. I guess they get enough help. Also – if you are looking for a romance, homeless shelters might not be the best place because the whole situation is depressing and if you are looking for love after a long day of helping the helpless, well… that’s pretty messed up.

Some links to local volunteer organizations (sorry this is South JerseyPhiladelphia-centric)

1. Philabundance: http://www.philabundance.org
2. Habitat for Humanity: http://www.habitat.org
3. Geeks Who Give: http://www.geekswhogive.org/
4. Gloucester County Animal Shelter : GCC Animal Shelter
5. PAWS (Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society): http://www.phillypaws.org

[Take A Class]

A great way meet people who are interested in the same things and learn something new is to take a class. Here is a funny story (again in my single days): I took a cooking class to try to see if I could meet girls at the local community college, when I got to the class it was a total sausage party, so of course I dropped out. I think a lot of guys get the idea they can meet somebody in a cooking class, but I think it is all bullshit. Take a class you are interested in or something you really need to learn. Right now my next class idea is general home repair and maybe a landscaping class – who knows I might meet some cool people to hang out with now that everyone I know has kids…

[Have Kids]

Everyone I know that has kids (with the exception of Lisa) tells me that when you have kids and they are in school you automagically start becoming friends with all the parents. This sounds equally awesome and terrible to me. I don’t know if “our kids go to the same school” is enough to sustain a friendship, but fuck it, I’d be willing to give it a try and so should you.

[Craigslist]

I read a funny article about a GQ writer who wanted to meet more black friends so he put an ad on Craigslist (article link: Click Here).

While Craigslist is know for making different kind of connections, I honestly believe it could be a place for people to make legitimate connections. Just don’t be stupid. Meet in public places and don’t share your SSN or credit card numbers. And if they ask for your help to bury several large trash bags in the Pine Barrens say no, unless you are into that sort of thing.

[Join a Sports Club]

Sports clubs are a great way to meet new friends and get your ass into shape. It is almost a lock that people will want to hang out after practice or after a game. It might help to join with an existing friend because people usually sign up in groups, but honestly it doesn’t matter. Just make sure you sign up for your right skill level. If you are on a good team and suck, you will not make friends.

[Religion]

I am not an organized religion kinda guy which is why I am doing this one last. If you are looking for God or for Jesus, maybe you can find a drinking buddy on your journey. I have a few friends that still attend regularly and they say there a few reasons why church isn’t a good spot to meet people:
1. You already know everybody
2. People at church are already in cliques and stuck-up
3. Its weird to date someone from your church

I don’t know anything about this stuff, so if those points are true, that sucks. Maybe you can try a new church? I went to my friend’s baby’s baptism and the people at that church were super-friendly. Actually it was more creepy-friendly… but creepy people need friends too!

I have given you six ways to go out and meet new friends. I am done. Now get off your ass and find a buddy. Seriously, this is how I am ending this article.

Love,
~ Joey 🙂

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How to Rid Yourself of Unwanted People

We have all been there, a friend or a “dating partner” is starting to wear out their welcome but out of respect for the good times you had, you can’t end it. Fortunately for you my dear readers I am one cold-heart bastard. Eliminating excess friends isn’t an issue for me, so allow me to teach you how to free yourself:

FRIENDS

Since I am married and have no intentions of being un-married (Hi Allison), lets look at something I have had to do more recently; ending a “friendship”. This isn’t a simple procedure because there are different types of friends ranging from good, but undependable to flat out asshole…

[The Asshole]

This is the easiest “friend” to rid yourself of because they really aren’t your friend. To understand your “flush-point” (DEFINITION: The point where you are ready to rid yourself of the human skid-mark) you need to understand why you associate with this person. Most likely “the asshole” snuck in before your senses were fully formed: grade school and early high school. They probably had a rough home life which makes you look past some of their rough points.
**There is another option: The co-worker that you are forced to see daily so you try to make the best of it, but we will deal with that one last.**

What are the characteristics of an “Asshole” Friend? Lets review:

1. They are always against you/disagreeing with you
2. They never offer to help do anything they just take from the situation
3. You constantly ask yourself “why am I friends with this person”
4. When you tell them to not repeat something, that is the first thing they blurt out when they are “drunk”
5. They do things you know are wrong but you try to justify because “you are their friend, so they can’t be bad people”

THE OUT: If you are reading this and have identified “the asshole” in your life, take out a piece of paper and write down every terrible thing that person has done to you. Next time you see them (YOU MUST DO THIS IN PERSON), review the list. Tell them that you don’t think it is a good idea to continue the friendship due to them being a total piece of shit. If they hide behind their rough past… Boo Hoo. They have to get past that sooner or later.

Now if “the asshole” is a co-worker, you can’t be as direct because this could mess up your work environment. ADVICE: Be very careful hanging out with co-workers socially, bring them in gradually and make sure you can trust them. You don’t want stories from your personal life leaking into the office. Back to the plan: the strategy is the cold shoulder socially – stop inviting them out. If you had a go-between friend that continues to hang out with “the asshole” – cut them loose too: if this person is “the asshole” I am describing, the only reason the other person was hanging out with them was because you were. Once the asshole is on their own at work, things tend to work out and they will eventually completely drift away.

[The Downer]

At some point in your life you have had a friend that is never happy. No matter what they do, nothing brings them joy, nothing is ever good enough. At first, your reaction might be to help them find their joy. This is the right thing to do for three months (advice: urge them to seek professional help!). If the misery continues, don’t go down with the ship. Cut them loose, set yourself free.

The dilemma is that “The Downer” isn’t a bad person. They don’t do anything to harm you or put you down. The issue is that you are spending valuable time and positive energy trying to help someone that doesn’t want help: this is not a productive use of your time. Let me add that there are certain situations where you should extend the grace period for a much greater period of time (the three D’s: Disaster, Death, and Divorce). There is a difference between a life changing event and a person’s standard operating procedure. Know the difference.

THE OUT: Tell “The Downer” that their depression is contagious. Their misery is now your misery and you want no part of it. Suggest they get help and to call a few months of healthy sessions.

[The Cheapskate]

Times are tough and this is not about someone saying they can’t go to the movies or go out to dinner because they can’t afford it, this is about the person that does go out and pulls one of two moves every time they are in your company:

1. Short change the bill so you have to cover (and its not like they said “hey I am short, spot me”)
2. Itemizes everything. Example: “We ordered 10 wings, I ate 3, you ate 4, three are left, I am only paying for 3).

THE OUT: This friend will only lead to bad places, easiest thing to do is to stop inviting them out, stop calling, and then wait for them to confront you. You might get off with them fading away or you might have the chance to tell someone to their face that they are a cheap bastard, either way, its a win-win.

[The Train-wreck]

Like the downer, the train-wreck entices sympathy from those around them. The train-wreck doesn’t do bad things to you, they do bad things to themselves and you get caught in their shit-storm. A few examples are:

1. Calls you every night at 3 AM to tell you they aren’t getting along with their crazy ex-girlfriendboyfriendtranny
2. Gets arrested for public intoxication or public nudity
3. Has ALOT of problems with their relationships and tells you everything OR the significant others starts to call you
4. Always has a Get-Rich-Quick idea and tries to get you to help them
5. Hard Drugs – enough said
6. Sexual Issues – if you know more about their genitals than your own, time to move on

THE OUT: While you are rooting for the train-wreck to sort out their lives, you can’t get in the middle. Again I suggest a 2-3 month grace period and then cut your loses. This may sound cold, but life isn’t that god-damn “That’s what friends are for” song. You need to lay out how their problems have impacted your friendship and that you can’t stand by and get hit with the shrapnel anymore.

Nobody is perfect, everyone is going to fit one of these profiles sometimes. The key is to not be that way most of the time. If you get a strong consistent whiff of one of these characters, cut them loose, you are doing everyone in your life a favor.

DATING PARTNERS

[SIDE THOUGHT: I want to make a quick note expressing why I think it is pretty messed up that there isn’t a uni-sex word to describe people you are dating, besides lovers which just sounds creepy… that is all.]

Personally, I think ending friendship is easier then ending romance because if you are looking to get rid of a friend, they probably did something to deserve it, but with love, the person could be great, but just not great waking up next to every morning for the rest of your life. I did the serial dating thing for a few years and this is a quick reference on extricating yourself.

Although I don’t think I should have to, I will note that if your potential dancing partner exhibits any of the traits I listed for bad friends, end it now. Go. I will wait.

[Physical Features]

Let’s just get this one out of the way… If you go out on a date and for whatever reason didn’t notice or overlooked a physical feature that is starting to turn you off, I suggest the following steps:

1. Really think about if this “flaw” is a deal breaker. Don’t worry about being shallow because you are doing the other person a disservice by having one foot out the door. If the physical feature is a deal breaker, go to step two. If not, have a good time.
2. That giant pimple making you dry heave? No shame in that. Hopefully you are doing things early and it isn’t complicated. Tell them that you don’t think it is going to work out and you aren’t developing deep feelings for the person. BAM! Done. UNLESS…
3. WHAT IF THE PERSON WON’T TAKE NO: I have experienced situations where I was honest without getting too negative on a person and they would not take no for an answer. Every few weeks I’d get a call asking to go out, etc. I would tell them I was seeing someone else (which was true most of the time) and they would still pursue. This is where you have to get brutally honest. Tell them straight up – the reason I don’t want to be with you is because I am not attracted to you. That should just about do it. It hurts, but honesty is better more phone calls. If the calls continue, change your number (another move I used quite a bit).

[Not into the same things]

As John Cusack said in “High Fidelity”, the little things matter. What music, movies, and books a person likes make up the foundation of their being. So lets say you have gone on a few dates and discovered they are into things you hate: Country music, Ann Coulter, Cats, Sarah Jessica Parker, bars called “Swanky Bubbles” – whatever.

Just tell them you have nothing in common. It sounds simple, but a very attractive person sitting across a table from you telling you how much they love Garth Brooks might be worth listening to for the chance to see just how attractive they are… but its not. Seriously. Trust Me.

PS – Don’t ever tell somebody to “Have a nice life” when you are blowing them off, it really pisses them off… I learned that one the hard way (twice).

[Pets]
There is something about single girls and cats. It freaks me out. I don’t like the combination at all. In my single days, there were a few situations where I was asked to come back to an apartment for a beverage, and then I would meet Fluffy or Mr. Twinky.

Here is what not to do: Wait until your date leaves the room and get the hell out of there. I have done that a few times… just left. Of course this leads to inevitable calls, and you can only ignore it for so long, so you have to take the call. In these cases I basically said whatever I had to to get them off the phone and never call back. In one case the girl said she was thinking about getting rid of her cat because men seem to hate them – that turned me off even more – no loyalty to the animal.

Seriously, if you are not a pet person and your date is, this can be a huge issue. Bring it up in light conversation within the first two dates and if you don’t like what you hear – take off into the night Joey style.

[Race & Ethnic Barriers]

If you are 50/50 about dating outside of your culture. Don’t. You need to be all in or all out. No need to pontificate on this one any further.

CONCLUSION

I am a firm believer in positive energy attracting positive energy, so try to set yourself up to be in a good mood and be around good people. Don’t tolerate negative influences because it sours everything. You have to accept that you can make mistakes in choosing who you allow to be in your life. Once you get past that, it makes things easier when you want to get rid of them.

I am not endorsing whole sale destruction of a social scene but I am not saying it should never be an option. People have a little voice in their heads that tells them the right thing to do – you can call it a conscious, instinct, God – it doesn’t matter, but it is there and we have done a great job learning how to ignore it. Listen to your damn spider sense next time you are thinking about asking someone new out to dinner.

Have a nice life!

PS – Tune in for the next post – “How to Meet New People“.